Tsunami Alert

Nothing can weigh u down than the heaviness of ur own heart

Nothing can be heavier in the world than the heaviness of ur feelings. There can be no reason for the heaviness in you. Sometimes you can’t rationalise the reason for it, some times u know it and yet refuse to acknowledge it. Anyways it hurts all the same.

Like a magnet that attracts iron ,ur feelings of heaviness attract all that’s negative and the heaviness starts to choke u.All that u have read and learnt have no place to seep into the tightness and the heaviness that weighs you down.

Have I ever thought I would get trapped in such a place?? Not in my wildest dreams. But no one can escape the cycle of life, Good and bad,highs and lows,happiness and sadness,beauty and the beast. I am not a special person in this world. So it was my time for the rollercoaster(just that in this the end was never visible)

Nothing is as scary as ur own self trying to kill ur spirit and the person you are.How much precaution do we take to keep ourself safe from the dangers of the world, but this I know not where it came from. It was sudden ,like the thunderbolt falling in my lawn and destroying my garden.All that looked colourful ,now looks grey and ugly.

I start hating people ,conversing with people seems painful ,for a person who loves to be amongst people and friends,This is new. Mobile goes on silent for most hours of the day. Dressing up is another chore now, unlike the days and hours I spend before the mirror. I start to hate people, when they appreciate me. I feel like shouting at every one who gives me a compliment. I almost always feel lonely in a crowd too .The only relief from all the stress building in ,was sleep…but when I wake up (most of the times I never had good reasons to wake up) it’s the same gloomy world outside. It is what u feel inside that you see outside too .Life suddenly Seems boring ,I am scared how I will live such a life for as long as I am destined to live. I wonder how people do the same task daily and call it a life. Is life all about doing ur chores day after day till u die?? I start having negative self talk , my interest in all things that mattered so much to me has gone in thin air. I am feeling heavy inside.

The initial difficult days take a break, now I understand that I have a problem and I am hurting inside. Still the problem is not solved as I am not ready to seek help. So the heaviness keeps increasing day by day with me pretending to be normal to the world outside. Smiling, When I want to cry aloud . I still can’t figure out the reason for my mental state.

I feel like a hypocrite, coz I have helped many of my friends come out of negative state, yet no trick is helping me now. I try to visualise all the blessings of my life, my best moments, I try turning my thoughts to nature. I become desperate. The more desperate I become, the more it hurts. I feel the Tsunami inside me drowning me. I shed silent tears now, but that’s not enough for the Tsunami to drain . I watch all my feelings and feel totally lost and helpless. The door of positivity is locked tight and I know not where the key is.

Slowly, I let my family know of my state and then the world. I take the liberty to seclude my self mentally from all of them. With a lump in my throat I tell my husband that I am hurting from inside. Tears well up and Tsunami finds a way out, Words come out and make me wonder where it was hiding when I tried to talk to myself. It was a business issue that started 10 months back. It was exactly growing on me like a demon Baby and now I deliver it with words. This one negative issue triggered a chain of negative thoughts in me.

I felt cornered , I was skeptical, if I will ever be successful as I did at that point in life. The attention that I got will be missed. More than all this, the addiction to being busy took a serious blow. All this made me feel insecure.

Knowing the problem is the key to any solution . Now, I understand the delicate things that weighed me so much. Realisation does not totally solve the problem. I become the warrior now ,to handle it. I arrange to meet the concerned people and let them know how I feel and also put a stop to the mad corporate race. I am able to write it in one line now, but it was one of the most difficult things I had done in my life. Once I made a. Decision to let go.i felt a huge weight out of me.

Now I had all the time for myself, I decided to go and meet at least one friend everyday or go out, just to get fresh air. I start feeling better. I just started feeling better, but not fully light. But I got HOPE, I fully hoped that I will be soon out of this. I see light at the end of the tunnel. Literally this hope has become the plank that is helping me sail even the Tsunami .

I finally feel the love of my family and how much they want me back. All the effort of my family and friends trying to bring back my positivity and my happiness went in vain. Because I understand, I can only do that for myself. I thank everyone and everything I have and my attitude of gratitude comes back.

The realisation and hope and acceptance made the tightness bearable, just like when u carry the baby, Knowing u will deliver it in 10 months. Oh yeah ,my demon took 10 months too. What an irony. Slowly I start accepting the new way of life and the addiction to fame and fortune faded. It was time for the new year and the new me. I was all too thrilled to see the new me in the new year. Made plans for the New Year’s Day with my family. Thank God I am born again with all my strength and now I am totally the person I was …all joyful.

The darkness showed me how much I was taking life for granted. I realised no amount of money or fame can bring me happiness. Peace of mind is the invaluable gift u can have in life. Just missing and messing the peace for a while taught me to only seek peace and every thing else will follow. The only person who can help you is YOU. Others may have good intentions for you, but It’s the self that matters the most.

Positive Psychology says for all the negative thoughts that arise in the mind, the body suffers in a way. Didn’t I have a Tsunami of negative emotions??? Wait to read about what happened next in my next blog.But before that…I was thinking hard before publishing this, I don’t want anyone to suffer in silence. Always talk out your mind to a friend or family and get help…don’t let the devil dwell in your head for long.Stay blessed!!

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